Why You Don’t Need To “Man Up”

Toxic masculinity – a much debated and heavily loaded topic. Examine your reaction to reading that phrase. It might tell you a little bit about your relationship to it and how it might be affecting you. Toxic masculinity is often touched on in academic discourse and in the media. It is defined as being a certain set of cultural norms with regards to masculinity that are harmful to society and to men themselves.

 

The way that masculinity manifests today is a socially constructed gender identity and is not naturally occurring. There is an evolutionary basis to a particular set of “masculine” traits, but they have been exaggerated to the point that they have become toxic and exclusionary of men who don’t display them in a specific way.

The point of the debate is not at all to condemn masculine traits – they should be celebrated in a healthy way, just as feminine traits should. The problem is that they are often not celebrated in a healthy way at all. Instead they have become glorified unattainable standards, pressuring men into feeling as though they have to be the ideal “alpha male”.

 

The universal conception of “manliness” is based on strength, a lack of emotion, self-sufficiency, dominance, sexual prowess and general virility. There is a pressure to have these traits in spades as a man for fear of being seen as inadequate.

It is a highly complicated issue with many variables influencing how it shows up in people. These include age, race, class, culture, sexuality and religion to name a few. Whatever their background, one will usually fall victim to toxic masculinity due to societal pressure in conjunction with insecure gender identity. Men will often overcompensate for this insecurity by becoming hypermasculine. This is where the problem arises.

 

Hypermasculinity can present itself in many ways, including:

• Aggression
• Sexual aggression or control
• Showing no emotion or suppressing emotions
• Hyper-competitiveness
• The need to dominate or control others
• Tendency towards glorification of violence
• Isolation
• Lack of empathy
• Entitlement
• Chauvinism, sexism, homophobia, racism

 

It is clear how this affects society – it contributes largely to gender and sexuality based violence, as well as a whole host of other issues. We often hear toxic masculinity spoken about within the context of its societal impact, but what about how it’s impacting men’s mental health?

As men ourselves, we are not free from the grip of toxic masculinity. As much as it affects others it affects us too, and we need to work towards deconstructing it for our own health.

 

It fosters damaging attitudes such as:

• Extreme self-reliance, which makes you less likely to seek help
• Shame around expressing emotions other than pride and anger, reinforced by sayings like “boys don’t cry”
• Extreme aspiration for physical, sexual and intellectual dominance
• Condemnation of anything considered feminine – this includes equating affection for other men with homosexuality, resulting in lonliness and a lack of social cohesion amongst our gender

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These outlooks can have disastrous outcomes. These include high levels of injury, mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse, high levels of victimisation/imprisonment and even suicide. Statistics published by the South African Depression and Anxiety Group have shown that men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women. This is largely due to our tendency not to reach out because of our fear of and shame around vulnerability.

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We are all a balance of masculine and feminine energies, and that’s natural. No matter how you choose to present yourself, it shouldn’t devalue your gender identity. To assume that there is only one true conception of what a man is would be a complete fallacy!

Your needs and emotions are valid and you should never be ashamed of them. If you need help, make sure to reach out to anyone you can.

Check out this page for a bunch of resources that might help you if you’re in an emotional crisis:

https://www.opencounseling.com/hotlines-za